Lauren Renee' Blog
Who is Lauren Renee'? No - reeeeaaally...who is this biotch ? ;)
Ok, here it goes; I will do my best ;)
My daddy always told me, "you make your own weather". This is a quote I've stuck by all my life. I mean, not always. Of course it pisses me off when I actually take the time & effort to curl my straight-up, straight long hair for it to rain. Lord knows my attempts at being "girlie" are few & far between, I'm more of a naturaaal kinda gal. Plus it takes too long & I can't even apply eyeliner without instructions, lol. Those times I cuss the weather. But, the quote is not really about the weather, per say - but, you already knew that. ;)
Every day, I am the author. There are no excuses or fingers to point. Every day, I decide to be happy through the crap, to booty dance in the rain, to ignore the shit & press on with a smile on my face or at least a half smile. :)
It's up to me, no one, & I mean no one else. Yes, others are there to lift us up but in the end, your smile, your life, depends on you.
Another quote I'm quite found of is from country musician, Trent Tomlinson's 06 single, "One wing in the fire"
"An angel with no halo, & one wing in the fire" - the verse has my life written all over it -
I was raised Southern Baptist, got saved young -& by that I mean, I prayed to God, I acknowledged his existence & devoted my heart to his love. Of course, I was a baby, really I don't even remember it, maybe I was 7? Anyways, rededicated my life to Christ when I was a sophomore in high school - in other words, I did the aforementioned act without just the heart & purity of a child, but with sin, sincerity & understanding; the memory of which I will carry, always. But, my personality then & now -thank the Lord not as much now - was EXTREME. There's really no other way to describe it. Everything I did I took to the next level. One hundred & ten percent, all day, every day. I have always been told this has been my best & my worst quality. Go freakin figure.
My high school career seems like a blur. Not like my twenties, which actually were a drunk blur lol. But, besides not being able to recall much when you never stop to appreciate life or "smell the friggin roses". It's also a time of hurt - hurt that I built up & buried. Then, continued to 110 percent, fucking build up & bury for many, many years. Ninety percent of the people that "know" me, do not know what they are about to know about me.
Here's my Facebook note about it all - the explicit or Eminem version, if you will, lol. For the wimps, I'll attempt below to speak up (with edits) for the first time in my life.
I've been trying to do this for so many years. Recently, I found the strength, the gumption, if you will, to live my life exactly how I want, how I feel, nothing held back. Lady balls to the wall =) My son deserves me, the real me,& I don't expect anything less from myself anymore. So, bare with me, it's time to let go.
"You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where it starts" -Everlast
Where the hell did it start? Wouldn't all my therapists, parents & most of all, I like to know. No clue? Maybe if I could have stayed w/ any one of my therapists or psychologists past one - two sessions, I would know. But, I don't. Part of it was being a perfectionist, athlete. Part of it was growing up with an abusive older drug selling white trash gangster of a cousin living in our house. I looked up to him so much. Who knows how many memories I have where he was blown outta his mind. Crazy to think. But, he definitely called me fat, lots. boo hoo. I'm guessing it's a mixture of all that. Either way, at some point, some way I altered my emotions, my perceptions, & eventually, I became anorexic - which, led to bulimia. A painful secret I've carried for most all of my adult life. Oh dear God, I said it! Shake your heads in disgust or in disbelief or whatever the hell you think. Then, look at your daughters & sons, your sisters, brothers, or moms & dads. I'm saying this all for those of them -waaay more than you think - that know Exactly who I am. They know exactly what it feels like to look at a menu & get this gut wrenching feeling just trying to decide on something that's not horrible but won't make you want to throw up as soon as you leave. Or, have your stomach hurt so bad going to sleep & make yourself feel good about it. Or, give in to some biscuits & gravy, then decide to order a dozen donuts, go to town, all because you know you'll take some pills, throw up for an hour - waste your existence. Then, drop to your knees in tears, begging for God to reach you, begging for the strength to live another day without falling.
I haven't thrown up for almost two years. I haven't been "anorexic" for almost ten. But, I will always be both. Always, every day. I will never, God's strength & really my strength willing, fall again. But, I plan to talk. I plan to help. I plan to do anything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to me or to you.
So, gawk or talk, shut the hell up, whatever, but think. I hope I make someone think.
Muah! Lots of luv -
Lauren Renee'
Ok, here it goes; I will do my best ;)
My daddy always told me, "you make your own weather". This is a quote I've stuck by all my life. I mean, not always. Of course it pisses me off when I actually take the time & effort to curl my straight-up, straight long hair for it to rain. Lord knows my attempts at being "girlie" are few & far between, I'm more of a naturaaal kinda gal. Plus it takes too long & I can't even apply eyeliner without instructions, lol. Those times I cuss the weather. But, the quote is not really about the weather, per say - but, you already knew that. ;)
Every day, I am the author. There are no excuses or fingers to point. Every day, I decide to be happy through the crap, to booty dance in the rain, to ignore the shit & press on with a smile on my face or at least a half smile. :)
It's up to me, no one, & I mean no one else. Yes, others are there to lift us up but in the end, your smile, your life, depends on you.
Another quote I'm quite found of is from country musician, Trent Tomlinson's 06 single, "One wing in the fire"
"An angel with no halo, & one wing in the fire" - the verse has my life written all over it -
I was raised Southern Baptist, got saved young -& by that I mean, I prayed to God, I acknowledged his existence & devoted my heart to his love. Of course, I was a baby, really I don't even remember it, maybe I was 7? Anyways, rededicated my life to Christ when I was a sophomore in high school - in other words, I did the aforementioned act without just the heart & purity of a child, but with sin, sincerity & understanding; the memory of which I will carry, always. But, my personality then & now -thank the Lord not as much now - was EXTREME. There's really no other way to describe it. Everything I did I took to the next level. One hundred & ten percent, all day, every day. I have always been told this has been my best & my worst quality. Go freakin figure.
My high school career seems like a blur. Not like my twenties, which actually were a drunk blur lol. But, besides not being able to recall much when you never stop to appreciate life or "smell the friggin roses". It's also a time of hurt - hurt that I built up & buried. Then, continued to 110 percent, fucking build up & bury for many, many years. Ninety percent of the people that "know" me, do not know what they are about to know about me.
Here's my Facebook note about it all - the explicit or Eminem version, if you will, lol. For the wimps, I'll attempt below to speak up (with edits) for the first time in my life.
I've been trying to do this for so many years. Recently, I found the strength, the gumption, if you will, to live my life exactly how I want, how I feel, nothing held back. Lady balls to the wall =) My son deserves me, the real me,& I don't expect anything less from myself anymore. So, bare with me, it's time to let go.
"You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where it starts" -Everlast
Where the hell did it start? Wouldn't all my therapists, parents & most of all, I like to know. No clue? Maybe if I could have stayed w/ any one of my therapists or psychologists past one - two sessions, I would know. But, I don't. Part of it was being a perfectionist, athlete. Part of it was growing up with an abusive older drug selling white trash gangster of a cousin living in our house. I looked up to him so much. Who knows how many memories I have where he was blown outta his mind. Crazy to think. But, he definitely called me fat, lots. boo hoo. I'm guessing it's a mixture of all that. Either way, at some point, some way I altered my emotions, my perceptions, & eventually, I became anorexic - which, led to bulimia. A painful secret I've carried for most all of my adult life. Oh dear God, I said it! Shake your heads in disgust or in disbelief or whatever the hell you think. Then, look at your daughters & sons, your sisters, brothers, or moms & dads. I'm saying this all for those of them -waaay more than you think - that know Exactly who I am. They know exactly what it feels like to look at a menu & get this gut wrenching feeling just trying to decide on something that's not horrible but won't make you want to throw up as soon as you leave. Or, have your stomach hurt so bad going to sleep & make yourself feel good about it. Or, give in to some biscuits & gravy, then decide to order a dozen donuts, go to town, all because you know you'll take some pills, throw up for an hour - waste your existence. Then, drop to your knees in tears, begging for God to reach you, begging for the strength to live another day without falling.
I haven't thrown up for almost two years. I haven't been "anorexic" for almost ten. But, I will always be both. Always, every day. I will never, God's strength & really my strength willing, fall again. But, I plan to talk. I plan to help. I plan to do anything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to me or to you.
So, gawk or talk, shut the hell up, whatever, but think. I hope I make someone think.
Muah! Lots of luv -
Lauren Renee'